So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
