Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize