Whod you bang
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
