Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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