My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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