cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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