I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
this beer tastes like vomit already
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
