bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
