JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
