My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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