my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
