I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
whose parrot is this?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
