just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
