He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
