Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
