I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Say something about gay babies.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
