Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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