you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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