Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
