look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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