The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
