I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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