The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
