Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
