I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
there is glitter all over my balls
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
