my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
