ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
