I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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