who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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