I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
