Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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