Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
