i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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