you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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