my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
