just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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