I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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