dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
