this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
