I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
