she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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