I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
