god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
