Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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