I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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