life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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