My cat gives me a boner
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
