Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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