If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
