wanna go halves on a baby?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
