Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she woke up with a sticky ear
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just gargled with NyQuil
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
