FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
