the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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