Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
