So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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