I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
