my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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