Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
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I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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