I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
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Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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