Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
