if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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